The idea of ‘parenting’ is a fairly new concept. In ancient times, it wasn’t really considered as something to be considered… raising children was thought to be something intuitive, like it is with animals in the wild. But ever since the dawn of the social sciences, there has been growing research in the area of parenting and child development - the findings of which have long been battling with established cultural norms and practices. With modern parents being caught in the cross hairs, we are all somehow buckling under the pressure of this elusive idea of ‘good parenting’.
A conversation that is important to us at Triyoke, is - with everyone debating the best way to raise children, who is thinking about how to raise parents?
Parents are born when their children are - no one can or ever will be 100% prepared for every experience, situation or emotion, before their child comes into the world. There is a lot of trial and error, a lot of learning, and to be very candid - a fair share of heartache involved in being a parent. With all the emotional energy that goes into parenting, in addition to all the other aspects of an adult's life - work, home, family and friends - parents need safe spaces too.
Still somehow, there is a stark lack of empathy towards parents, when it comes to their children’s behaviour and choices, especially in cultures with strong authoritarian values like we have in India. Mental health is only recently being more openly talked about in India and the conversation about parenting is slowly but steadily trailing behind it. Indian parents step out into the world everyday with their battle faces on, but behind closed doors seem to be struggling with big emotions, constant criticism, unsolicited advice and more than anything, self doubt.
Raising neurotypical children is hard. Raising children with special needs is all this and so much more. Neurodivergence, or children who are experiencing disorders like ASD, ADHD, Down syndrome, or are experiencing impairments in their hearing, vision or mobility, require more care and attention from their parents - not only in the physical sense, but emotionally too.
Here are some stories from Megha’s therapy room, about mothers who really have been feeling entangled in this web of expectations vs ‘good parenting’...
Priti (name changed for privacy) is a mom who’s son has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. He has been struggling with emotional regulation and has frequent anger outbursts. Priti has been feeling caught between the tools and techniques she needs to use with her son to support him, vs the expectations and the criticism of the people around her - who are unable or unwilling to understand his condition, and have simply branded Priti ‘not strict enough’. This has left Priti feeling like she is the cause for her sons ‘undesirable behavior’ and that she’s not doing ‘enough’ to discipline him. If only she had the support and understanding of the people around her, she could move forward with a sense of community - rather than a courtroom where she is being judged and penalised.
Aditi (name changed for privacy) is a mother who herself is a highly sensitive person (HSP). Her son shares this personality trait, and has also recently been diagnosed with ADHD… he too is struggling with emotional regulation. Aditi is becoming increasingly unsure of herself as a mother, she lacks confidence and does not usually talk about her emotions… something she credits to her childhood, where she was constantly told to ‘grow up’ and ‘get over it’. Although she decided that she wouldn’t raise her own son this way, she is constantly in doubt of her parenting choices… and the people around her are not a source of support. Aditi is facing constant criticism from her family and friends, rather than the empathy and understanding she truly needs… and this is making her feel not only confused, but also alone.
What do you think both these mothers need?
They need someone to listen. They need someone to understand, not to judge. They may have a lot of people around them offering them sympathy, but what they really need is empathy.
“The difference in meaning is usually explained as - sympathy is when you share the feelings of another; empathy is when you understand the feelings of another but do not necessarily share them.”
Sympathy is sharing, empathy is understanding.
Safe spaces and systems of support are where parents can go to and speak their truths, and be heard, and be understood.