When there is more than one child to contend with, listening to them through a tantrum can be hard. Who gets the attention first? Is it the one who is ‘at fault’ or is it the one who has been ‘hurt?’
Children often play out their sibling rivalry not because they are upset with each other, but because they want to test their parent- who will you turn to?
They think, “Can I trust you to be there for me or will you choose my sibling?”
Here are a few examples of using our tools of staylistening when you are caught in the middle of your children.
Read more about staylistening in our previous article here.
I want what she has! The grass is always greener in the siblings corner.
I had been busy all Saturday in a conference and once I had finished in the evening, I took the kids to a friend’s house for a charity show. I allowed each of them to buy something for themselves. D chose a ‘make your own kaleidoscope’ kit while R picked up some fridge magnets.
When we got home, R saw D’s kit and became very upset. She now also wanted to make the kaleidoscope. She insisted that D share it with her, but I maintained that it was D’s choice whether she wanted to share or not.
Unhappy, R kept trying to convince me to intervene. I sat with R and got into staylistening mode - I stayed there and just listened to what she had to say. She cried and started thrashing.
I was tired after a long day and this was not something I was prepared for. She was pushing a lot of buttons for me. I didn’t want to be around my crying children. I had a headache and Felt triggered. Nevertheless, I tried as much as I could. I alternated between getting in and telling her I was sorry, while still reinforcing the limit that she could not ‘make’ D share, and stepping out of the room and away from her screaming voice for a few minutes.
15 minutes of crying later she started telling me how she hated it that I was working so much these days. I continued to listen. 5 minutes later she complained about D reading Harry Potter all the time and having no time to play with her. In another 10 minutes she was done crying and wanted to read a book.
She asked me if we could make a kaleidoscope in special time and I said sure we could and that was it! Everytime I listen to my children through staylistening, I find magic!
Which one to pick? Both kids have big feelings and need me
The kids had come home from a holiday with their dad. They got home around 10:30. This was the first time they had gone away with him, without me. They were visiting their cousins and typically, 3 days with the cousins = lots of big feelings.
They came home angry and full of complaints about everything. Instead of asking them why they were upset, I just listened.
They wanted my undivided attention and I offered them a choice. They had to choose who I would listen to first or if I should listen to both of them together. They picked one at a time, we picked chits and the order was decided.
S was second and was not happy about it, but I knew I could listen about this as well when her turn came it was amazing to see how she moved herself out of that zone.
T went first and started to cry about her sister and how she didn’t want to come home. I gave her my complete love and attention. S kept coming to defend herself while T complained but I kept reminding S her turn was next and this was T’s time.
Once the issues were exhausted I told T that it was time for me to go to S and that she could get washed up and unpack before I came back to her.
S used the time to complain about T and how I always chose her first. While listening to the kids I marvelled at my ability to not get affected by the things they were saying. I didn’t feel flustered even though I had 2 crying children to deal with. I didn’t get upset when they blamed me for things I had no control over.
More importantly, I didn’t get upset with my husband for bringing the children home in this state. Because I had anticipated them coming home with a spoiled outing, I had prepared myself with enough listening time. I had my cup full and was able to deal with them with equilibrium.
I went back to each child to read them a story and tuck them into bed. Both woke up the next morning happy as always!
If you want to learn more about how to help your child navigate big feelings and how to address tears and tantrums, attend our upcoming workshop!
